Talking to Emma about her stepfather has me thinking about my father who wasn’t there for most of my childhood. It gets me thinking about my own stepfather who like Emma’s stepfather was in the drug game as both a dealer and consumer.
When Emma talks about her stepfather it’s like she’s talking about two people; the man who raised her as a child and the old man she cared after he got out of jail. She misses him, but is so angry she won’t admit it.
I know exactly where she’s coming from because I think I’m still angry at my mother even though she died last September. I have been angry at my mother for most of my life. Sometimes I want to tell Emma to forgive her stepfather, but I remember my mother.
When I dream about her, I’m always mad at her for something petty. Last time she sat in between two people in a theatre or some kind instead of sitting next to an empty seat for me. That dream was so real, it was probably a memory.
One rainy day while walking through The Cloisters I began crying. I imagined my three year old daughter as a teenager being angry at me. I imagined her realizing that I wasn’t shit and it killed me.
I can’t explain how badly I want Emma to forgive her dead stepfather even though I don’t think I’ve actually forgiven my dead mother.